An excerpt from If I Fall by Ella Harper
December 22, 2017
Dear friends,
I’ve thought long and hard about this and I just want you to know that there is nothing any of you could have done differently. I’m a big mess but it’s not anyone’s fault. I can’t change what’s happened and the future looks too bleak for words.
I’m really sorry for what I’m about to do, but I just don’t want to be here anymore.
Thanks for everything and TTFN, as we always used to say at uni.
‘What’s that?’
The senior paramedic held the piece of paper up. ‘Suicide note.’
‘Oh.’ The other paramedic looked pained. ‘Makes sense. This person really wanted to go.’
‘Yep. Hate these call outs.’
The paramedic nodded as they prepared the stretcher. ‘Me too.’
The person standing nearby spoke up. ‘Sorry, what are the chances here? Is it… is it a done deal?’
The more senior paramedic stepped forward. ‘Difficult to say. But… prepare for the worst, just in case. OK?’
‘OK. God. Really? God. This… this can’t be happening…’
‘I’m so sorry. And I might be wrong.’ The paramedic reached out a hand. ‘Well done for getting here when you did, though. And for such fantastic resuscitation skills.’
The friend shrugged helplessly. ‘I should have done more; should have got here sooner…’
‘Don’t blame yourself,’ the paramedic said firmly. ‘When someone wants to do this, they’re determined. They’re hell-bent and in my experience, they’ll do whatever it takes. Listen, we need to go now, OK?’
The friend looked devastated. ‘Yes, of course. I’ll follow on behind.’
‘Great.’ The senior paramedic gestured to his colleague and they expertly manoeuvred the stretcher through the doorway.
The friend stood for a moment, motionless. How the hell could this have happened? What could possibly have been so terrible, so unbearable, that suicide was the only answer? And how on earth could none of them have known what was going on behind closed doors? They were all friends, for goodness’ sake! They should have been looking out for one another; they should have known. They should have been able to stop this from happening.
But they hadn’t. One of them had been spiralling into despair and they had all been too blind to see it. And now that person was probably gone. What kind of friends were they to have let this dreadful thing happen? Hadn’t they always said they would look out for one another – look after one another?
The friend rushed out to follow the ambulance, overwhelmed with guilt. And hopelessness. Because one of them had fallen, and despite all of their mutual promises, despite everything they had been through, no one had been there to catch them. And that was unforgivable.
To be continued…